Project for November 7, 2013
So I've seen a lot in the last few months about zombies and zombie apocalypses. I have always had reservations about a zombie apocalypse. Notwithstanding the brilliance of the movie Shaun of the Dead, and the fun fan fiction book Night of the Living Trekkies, the rest of them seem poorly done. I mean if you're going to have a zombie apocalypse it needs to be believable. I love science fiction. I always have. But most writings or movies that have to do with zombies take themselves much too seriously.
So I've seen a lot in the last few months about zombies and zombie apocalypses. I have always had reservations about a zombie apocalypse. Notwithstanding the brilliance of the movie Shaun of the Dead, and the fun fan fiction book Night of the Living Trekkies, the rest of them seem poorly done. I mean if you're going to have a zombie apocalypse it needs to be believable. I love science fiction. I always have. But most writings or movies that have to do with zombies take themselves much too seriously.
I have to admit that I started what I'm publishing now in this post a while back when I had a snarky moment after perusing the Barnes and Noble bookstore one afternoon and see nothing but zombie fanfiction and survival books.
Fast forward to the next day while working at the Canal Museum, I wondered that is there really was zombie apocalypse if I could survive it at the Museum? That night I thought about writing this piece. And I started. . . and then I stopped. Job hunting tends to be a zombie all of its own and I was busy conquering that rather than writing this. So for my project I decided to try and revamp this particular episode perhaps publish one more on my blog later.
Of course I was influenced by the medium I was enthralled with the time, and still am: radio dramas - especially those of the early 1940s and 50s. With that in mind I wrote a zombie radio drama apocalypse, or at least part of one. I'm not sure where it will lead and it's meant solely in the spirit of having fun with zombie apocalypses . . . So take this in the spirit of the snark in which it was meant and the fun that I had with it.
I hope you enjoy.
And remember to live orange!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
RALEIGH: “So lemme get this straight. We’re in a Zombie Apocalypse?”
RALEIGH: “So lemme get this straight. We’re in a Zombie Apocalypse?”
JINX : “Yup.”
RALEIGH: “It really happened?”
JINX: “Yup.”
RALEIGH: “So why am I not seeing any zombies?”
JINX: “Haven’t looked around enough.”
RALEIGH: “What are they at the movies and haven’t come out yet?”
JINX: “Not sure.”
RALEIGH: “Why am I having this conversation with you?”
JINX: “Don’t know.”
RALEIGH: “Do you understand the purpose of a rhetorical question?” *sighs*
Two guys burst through the door.
BEN: “Dude! I can’t believe this! It’s like, it’s like, Shawn of the Dead really happened!”
MIKEY: “Yeah, like totally!”
RALEIGH: “I can’t believe this, Mikey, Ben, I don’t see any zombies. I’ve been looking out the window for the past twenty minutes and nothing has walked by with flesh hanging off and blood running down its face with its arms stretched out in front of it groaning.”
BEN: “But they’re everywhere! They’re not exactly like they are in Shawn of the Dead… or like in Night of the Living Dead either, to be honest.”
RALEIGH: “So they’re more like the ones on Scooby Doo?”
MIKEY: “Yeah!... Wait, no.”
BEN: Come on Mikey, pull it together.”
RALEIGH: “So I don’t get it, are you guys zombies?”
BEN: “No, not yet anyway.”
RALEIGH: “How do I know you’re not trying to trick me?”
BEN: “Dude, zombies totally aren’t that smart.”
RALEIGH: “My point exactly.”
MIKEY: “Right. Wait… huh?”
The door opens again (bell rings when it does) and another person walks in as RALEIGH is talking
RALEIGH: Look, when you see one, come get me. Otherwise, just let me go about my business.
BELLA: They’re not joking, Raleigh, everyone seems zombified at the moment.
RALEIGH: That’s not even funny, Bella.
BELLA: Do I look like I’m joking.
RALEIGH: No, not really. What makes you think they’re zombies?
BELLA: I’m not saying they just came out of an old 40s horror film or even a modern one, but a large number of the populous aren’t responding to anything or anyone else and more of them are responding less all the time.
RALEIGH: How do you mean?
BELLA: Well, I was talking to Myra Hannigan down the street when all of a sudden it’s like somebody flipped a switch and she just went blank. She didn’t answer me, she didn’t look at me, and she didn’t even blink. Then she just walked off at a really slow, but regular pace. She wasn’t “shuffling,” as it were, she was just walking. Again, I’m not sure what’s going on, but there’s definitely something weird here.
BEN: I told you! Right out of Star Trek!
BELLA: More like Frankenstein.
RALEIGH: I don’t care either way. What I need to do is see this for myself.
MIKEY: Dude, you can’t go out there!
RALEIGH: Watch me.
BELLA: I’m coming with you.
BEN: Me too!
MIKEY: Dude, me three!
RALEIGH: Show me where you last saw Hannigan.
BELLA: (quietly) Follow me. (they walk for a bit) Look there. That’s Myra’s husband Al, he’s in the same condition too.
RALEIGH: He looks pretty normal to me. Just grilling out, although it certainly doesn’t smell very good.
BELLA: Step around this way.
RALEIGH: Oh. Yeah. I guess it’s kinda weird to be grilling hand towels and chunks of gutter.
BELLA: One of you morons go talk to him.
MIKEY: Okay. (goes to leave)
BEN: No, you idiot! Stay put! Why don’t one of you go talk to him. Girls usually last longer.
BELLA: Well I’m a blonde, historically speaking they don’t usually last as long as brunettes.
RALEIGH: By historically I’m assuming you’re talking about monster movies…
BELLA: Or horror movies in general.
RALEIGH: Geez. Fine. I’ll go. I’m a girl and a brunette. Just remember, if I turn into a zombie it’s on your heads.
BEN: I can live with that.
MIKEY: Totally, dude.
BELLA: I’ll make sure I kill you before you turn completely.
RALEIGH: That’s comforting. (walks to AL) Hey neighbor! What’s up? Grilling out today? (no response, she walks closer to AL) Just wanted to see if you had everything you need. Can I get you anything?
AL: (turns and groans) braaaainnnn
RALEIGH: Yeah, I’m guessing that could come in handy. Do you need anything else?
AL: (again, groaning) braaaainnnn… work… (begins to hammer at the grill)
RALEIGH: Okay… You know, I understand whacking things when you’re frustrated, but the grill is working. It might help if you put real food on it. I guarantee grilling gutters won’t taste that great.
AL: (stops whacking) braaaainnn… work… food…
RALEIGH: So you learned another word. That’s nice.
AL: Fooood...
RALEIGH: Yeah, you need food, not towels and gutters.
AL: Fooooood. (begins to walk toward RALEIGH)
RALEIGH: Uh…
AL: Foooooooooood…
RALEIGH: No, I’m not food. You need some burgers. And some hot dogs. And some zucchini! People love zucchini! Maybe Asparagus?
AL: Foooooooooooooooood!
RALEIGH: This can’t be good. Um, how about I take a rain check on dinner, okay? Great! See ya! (Runs off).
BELLA: That went well.
RALEIGH: Yeah, he’s quite a conversationalist.
BELLA: He functions better than Myra did.
RALEIGH: That’s saying a lot.
BEN: So are you convinced now?
RALEIGH: Do I have to admit that there are zombies?
BEN: It’d be nice.
JINX : “Yup.”
RALEIGH: “It really happened?”
JINX: “Yup.”
RALEIGH: “So why am I not seeing any zombies?”
JINX: “Haven’t looked around enough.”
RALEIGH: “What are they at the movies and haven’t come out yet?”
JINX: “Not sure.”
RALEIGH: “Why am I having this conversation with you?”
JINX: “Don’t know.”
RALEIGH: “Do you understand the purpose of a rhetorical question?” *sighs*
Two guys burst through the door.
BEN: “Dude! I can’t believe this! It’s like, it’s like, Shawn of the Dead really happened!”
MIKEY: “Yeah, like totally!”
RALEIGH: “I can’t believe this, Mikey, Ben, I don’t see any zombies. I’ve been looking out the window for the past twenty minutes and nothing has walked by with flesh hanging off and blood running down its face with its arms stretched out in front of it groaning.”
BEN: “But they’re everywhere! They’re not exactly like they are in Shawn of the Dead… or like in Night of the Living Dead either, to be honest.”
RALEIGH: “So they’re more like the ones on Scooby Doo?”
MIKEY: “Yeah!... Wait, no.”
BEN: Come on Mikey, pull it together.”
RALEIGH: “So I don’t get it, are you guys zombies?”
BEN: “No, not yet anyway.”
RALEIGH: “How do I know you’re not trying to trick me?”
BEN: “Dude, zombies totally aren’t that smart.”
RALEIGH: “My point exactly.”
MIKEY: “Right. Wait… huh?”
The door opens again (bell rings when it does) and another person walks in as RALEIGH is talking
RALEIGH: Look, when you see one, come get me. Otherwise, just let me go about my business.
BELLA: They’re not joking, Raleigh, everyone seems zombified at the moment.
RALEIGH: That’s not even funny, Bella.
BELLA: Do I look like I’m joking.
RALEIGH: No, not really. What makes you think they’re zombies?
BELLA: I’m not saying they just came out of an old 40s horror film or even a modern one, but a large number of the populous aren’t responding to anything or anyone else and more of them are responding less all the time.
RALEIGH: How do you mean?
BELLA: Well, I was talking to Myra Hannigan down the street when all of a sudden it’s like somebody flipped a switch and she just went blank. She didn’t answer me, she didn’t look at me, and she didn’t even blink. Then she just walked off at a really slow, but regular pace. She wasn’t “shuffling,” as it were, she was just walking. Again, I’m not sure what’s going on, but there’s definitely something weird here.
BEN: I told you! Right out of Star Trek!
BELLA: More like Frankenstein.
RALEIGH: I don’t care either way. What I need to do is see this for myself.
MIKEY: Dude, you can’t go out there!
RALEIGH: Watch me.
BELLA: I’m coming with you.
BEN: Me too!
MIKEY: Dude, me three!
RALEIGH: Show me where you last saw Hannigan.
BELLA: (quietly) Follow me. (they walk for a bit) Look there. That’s Myra’s husband Al, he’s in the same condition too.
RALEIGH: He looks pretty normal to me. Just grilling out, although it certainly doesn’t smell very good.
BELLA: Step around this way.
RALEIGH: Oh. Yeah. I guess it’s kinda weird to be grilling hand towels and chunks of gutter.
BELLA: One of you morons go talk to him.
MIKEY: Okay. (goes to leave)
BEN: No, you idiot! Stay put! Why don’t one of you go talk to him. Girls usually last longer.
BELLA: Well I’m a blonde, historically speaking they don’t usually last as long as brunettes.
RALEIGH: By historically I’m assuming you’re talking about monster movies…
BELLA: Or horror movies in general.
RALEIGH: Geez. Fine. I’ll go. I’m a girl and a brunette. Just remember, if I turn into a zombie it’s on your heads.
BEN: I can live with that.
MIKEY: Totally, dude.
BELLA: I’ll make sure I kill you before you turn completely.
RALEIGH: That’s comforting. (walks to AL) Hey neighbor! What’s up? Grilling out today? (no response, she walks closer to AL) Just wanted to see if you had everything you need. Can I get you anything?
AL: (turns and groans) braaaainnnn
RALEIGH: Yeah, I’m guessing that could come in handy. Do you need anything else?
AL: (again, groaning) braaaainnnn… work… (begins to hammer at the grill)
RALEIGH: Okay… You know, I understand whacking things when you’re frustrated, but the grill is working. It might help if you put real food on it. I guarantee grilling gutters won’t taste that great.
AL: (stops whacking) braaaainnn… work… food…
RALEIGH: So you learned another word. That’s nice.
AL: Fooood...
RALEIGH: Yeah, you need food, not towels and gutters.
AL: Fooooood. (begins to walk toward RALEIGH)
RALEIGH: Uh…
AL: Foooooooooood…
RALEIGH: No, I’m not food. You need some burgers. And some hot dogs. And some zucchini! People love zucchini! Maybe Asparagus?
AL: Foooooooooooooooood!
RALEIGH: This can’t be good. Um, how about I take a rain check on dinner, okay? Great! See ya! (Runs off).
BELLA: That went well.
RALEIGH: Yeah, he’s quite a conversationalist.
BELLA: He functions better than Myra did.
RALEIGH: That’s saying a lot.
BEN: So are you convinced now?
RALEIGH: Do I have to admit that there are zombies?
BEN: It’d be nice.
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